Even the best changes come with challenges. My sweet Jennah has moved back in with me full time (instead of going back and forth, staying a lot of time with her dad) so she brought over all the stuff that is most important to her in the world. We have revamped our lovely, small home to adjust to the new onslaught of stuff. We have a two-bedroom home, and although there is enough room for both of my girls in the larger of the two rooms, I have decided to let them both have their own rooms, forgoing having a room of my own. I did this for two reasons. 1.) Jennah turns 18 tomorrow and she deserves privacy (well, they both do) and 2.) Jennah will only be with me a couple of years, as she is starting college in the fall and I imagine will be quite independent by the time she is 20 or 21. I will have many, many years in my own room, I’d much rather have my girls traipsing through my “room” (living room) and being surrounded by their talking and laughter.
So the front closet is now pretty much housing all of my clothing, purses, shoes, pictures, etc. I bought a couple of bins and it is actually quite organized. It’s lucky I don’t have many clothes! (NO, I’m joking, I want more clothes! And purses. Shoes too. Just sayin’) I will finally be moving my grandmother’s armoire into the house next week and this will keep our extra linens, as we lost a closet. There should be a shelf empty for some of my personal belongings as well.
THINGS are not so important to me. Even giving up my bed wasn’t a question. I love my kids with a ferocity that trumps ANYTHING. I’m going to be brutally honest here. I did not fight hard enough in the past for my kids. And the guilt of it is weighing very, very heavily on my heart and soul right now. My ex-husband – well, I won’t get into it here, but I tried very hard not to rock the boat for the past several years because I knew he would take it out on them. (no, he hasn’t beat them, if he did he would no longer be living) But damnit I should have found a way to get God’s wrath to reign down on his head!!!! Until Jennah moved in completely and started talking (and talking and talking!) I had NO idea how hard it was over there for my kids! I mean, I suspected, and they leaked out a hint here and there, but I just didn’t know. But I do now. And I am A SCORNED MAMA BEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m teetering on the line here of saying what is appropriate without airing my dirty laundry all over the Internet. All I can say is that it is going to take Jennah awhile to feel restored. I will do anything and everything in my power to bring her confidence back, to make her feel safe in her own home, to hold her head up high, to be proud of her accomplishments, to know she is beautiful, smart and WORTHY. Anyone who sees my Facebook page knows how proud I am of my girl. She is A-MA-ZING. And to hear how hard it was for her to overcome that household and fight her way through my ex-husband and accomplish so much? I’m ten times more proud.
I’m trying real hard not to beat myself up. For all the years I was quiet and didn’t fight and argue on their behalf because they begged me not to do it. The guilt I feel is no small thing. But again, I have years to feel the guilt. Right now is time for me to gather my strength (Prayer, immersing myself in the Word, filling myself with HIS strength!) put a smile on my face and make my girl HAPPY. Give her a home where she will not just live safe and comfortably – but THRIVE into the strong, confident woman that I know she is meant to be.
I know this post hasn’t mentioned Jacob. He is still living with my ex. But after hearing the truth from Jennah, I’m taking action. I love my boy like crazy. But I can’t talk about that right now.
Sorry to be such a downer – but that is what blogs are for – to vent and work through issues in your life. It can’t all be about meal plans and cleaning the house, can it?